Ugly

I fired someone today. I've lied through many interviews about being able to fire people--it's a skill companies look for these days. And my sister has fired plenty of people, working in retail back in the day. I've had to break the news to people that our company was shutting down and they'd have to pack their bags. And I've helped people through the process of realizing for themselves that the job they had was not the job they wanted, and I watched them walk away with a mutual nod and sigh. Firing someone seems like the cheap way out of human interaction. Who among us hasn't fucked up? Judging is hard for me. No surprise to anyone here.

Today, at 3, I blindsided a person with, "I'm terminating your position with the company, effective today."

It's not that it was undeserved. It's not that she didn't craft the moment herself with her behavior over years--years--with the company. It was well documented. And then she did one more thing--one more angry, contempt-filled thing--and I had to either ignore it or not. I decided it was time not to ignore.

This morning I was nervous, knowing what was to come. Maisie asked me what was wrong, and I told her that I had to fire somebody. "Why are you nervous?" she asked. I talked to her like I was an old hand at firing, but I was thinking of something I heard a farmer say about the job of slaughtering sheep: "When you do this," I said to her, "you should feel sick to your stomach, and your hands should be cold, because you're changing somebody's life, and it hurts them. It's serious."

The woman threw on the face I've seen her use so often--nodded and smiled through my brief comments. She's a bit brittle; I think that behind that smile there's a howl that would make you grab your ears. She chatters when she's nervous. I had to interrupt her apologies to break the news. In the end she looked at me--this was when she got teary--and told me that she loved this company and really cared about the projects she'd been working on. She told me I could call her if I needed help--if I couldn't find something I needed. I told her that I was sorry--that I wished her only good things--and I resisted the temptation to hug her. Then she was shepherded off to clean out her office.

I'm certain this person needed to leave the department she was in. I'm sure it never could have worked--sure I never could have changed what needed to be changed in her to make it work. But I looked at her beside me today and saw a sad, middle-aged woman who's had a tough emotional life--it's just right there, etched in the face--who's leaving a job she's been in for nine years with no severance and no letter of recommendation. What if she can't find another job quickly? She's alone--no husband, grown daughter. What if she hasn't got savings? Whatever role she had in bringing the moment around, it's my name on the bottom of the letter. My karma.

Prayers for Jane tonight, though I'm not the prayerful sort and she surely doesn't want my prayers if I were. I hope her good news is waiting for her, and that there's not twenty miles of bad road between here and there.