Making a human from scratch

I was on the train the other day, and the car was almost empty except for a mother and her 6-ish-yr-old son. For 45 minutes I listened to the kid torture his mother--hitting her, taunting her, making fun of her--and the mother whined and threatened as if there was nothing else she could do in that moment to shut down the behavior. She actually told the boy she was going to tell his father. How did his father factor in that moment?? In a way, I think she thought his behavior was precocious and cute; she giggled a few times--whined his name in a kind of sing-songy way: not a hint of authority in her. She glanced back at me and shrugged and smiled. I didn't sense embarrassment, so I couldn't return a smile of solidarity. I still feel bad about that, because you don't make a mother's life worse by heaping frowns and sighs on her when her hands are full with a little beast. Generally, though, that rule only applies to mothers with bratty toddlers--not grade schoolers. In my view. If my kids behaved that way they'd be grabbed and spanked, and they know it. Because they know it, a glare is usually sufficient; I've spanked Maisie three times in her life, and Liam twice. But the real problem here wasn't the child, so the spank would be useless.

When I was a teenager there was a flood (or else I was just particularly atuned to it) of TV flicks about kids who'd ratted out their parents who spanked them, and school administrators and law enforcement officials got involved, and there was the threat of removal from the home: spanking as child abuse. And so, as a custodial parent with a non-custodial parent who doesn't "believe" in spanking, any time I've spanked I've also felt enormous fear of consequence. I've told Maisie's Dad whenever I've spanked her; I didn't want to give her the power to tell him and manipulate the moment. And I was aware all the time that it might come up if we were ever renegotiating our agreement, and spin is everything. But mothers--especially single mothers--need to own their authority, however it works for them. I just can't stand bratty kids. They're not cute--not from any distance.

Maisie remembers that I've spanked her but she doesn't remember why I spanked her. I reminded her the other day, when she raised again the question of whether a parent should or shouldn't. (She'd capped off a shitty behavior day by spitting food at me at the table when we had company. Age 4.) "I never did that!" she said, outraged. "I'd never do that!"

So, it worked.